Life

Infidelity in marriage: Who is to blame?

Calister Nwaneri

Infidelity or cheating has many definitions.

Mariam Webster dictionary defines Infidelity as the act or fact of having a romantic or sexual relationship with someone other than one’s husband, wife, or partner.

Cheating occurs when there is an agreement between two partners to be in a monogamous relationship and one partner violates the agreement and engages in sexual or emotional intimacy with someone outside the relationship.

Oftentimes, people only think of sexual relations as cheating, yet sharing emotional intimate parts of oneself with someone outside the relationship can also be considered as cheating.

However, cheating doesn’t mean the end to a relationship, I believe it can be repaired if both partners are willing to do the work it out.

There is a common misconception that it’s only men who step out on their partners and that women are always faithful.

To that, I say: Who are all these men cheating with exactly? Do married men and men in committed relationships only cheat with single women?

The simple truth is that approximately as many married women cheat as married men.

Research suggests that 10 to 20 percent of men and women in marriages or other committed (monogamous) relationships will actively engage in sexual activity outside of their primary relationship.

And these numbers are likely under-reported, possibly by a wide margin.

In Nigeria especially, cheating amongst women is not often discussed in comparison to cheating in men.

Mr. Obiukwu, a married man living in Lagos, in his own words, has this to say about cheating women.

“The ratio at which married men to women cheat is almost at par. The difference is secrecy, women are more coded and would most times or never flaunt it unlike a man who sees cheating with other women as a quest to conquer or some sort of ego thing”.

Franklin is a bachelor in Lagos who works hard and hardly stays at home except on weekends.

That does not stop his 30-something-year-old married neighbour from making a pass at him.

“My neighbour – a pretty married woman, would always try to initiate conversation with me and when that didn’t work, she got my phone number from our gate man and kept calling me for a hangout with her.

“She even invited me to go with her to an event at her place of work. I always politely rejected her advances. Maybe if I had rudely rebuffed her, she would have kept a distance,” says the Lagos big boy.

The married woman was still on his case at the time of writing this piece.

Femi has a similar story and so does Abdullah, both of whom have been hit on by married women in their 30’s and 50’s respectively.

An independent survey also conducted in Africa by AE affirms the fact that Nigeria with a population of over 160 million, tops the chart for cheating women.

Corruption and a general distrust amongst citizens is largely responsible for this.

None of that, of course, explains why women cheat. Nor does it address the fact that women and men often cheat for very different reasons.

So Why Do Women Cheat?

From surveys carried out over the years, typically, females step out on a committed partner for one or more of the following reasons:

• They feel underappreciated, neglected, or ignored. They feel more like a housekeeper, nanny or financial provider than a wife or girlfriend. So they seek an external situation that validates them for who they are, rather than the services they perform.

• They crave intimacy. Women tend to feel valued and connected to a significant other more through non-sexual, emotional interplay (talking, having fun together, being thoughtful, building a home and social life together, etc.) than sexual activity.

When they’re not feeling that type of connection from their primary partner, they may seek it elsewhere.

• They are overwhelmed by the needs of others. Recent research about women who cheat indicates that many women, despite stating that they deeply love their spouses, their home, their work, and their lives, cheat anyway.

These women often describe feeling so under-supported and overwhelmed by having to be all things to all people at all times that they seek extramarital sex as a form of life-fulfilment.

• They are lonely. Women can experience loneliness in a relationship for any number of reasons. Maybe their spouses work long hours or travel for business on a regular basis, or maybe their spouses are emotionally unavailable.

Whatever the cause, they feel lonely maybe their spouses are emotionally unavailable. Whatever the cause, they feel lonely, and they seek connection through infidelity to fill the void.

• They expect too much from a primary relationship. Some women have unreasonable expectations about what their primary partner and relationship should provide.

They expect their spouses to meet their every need 24/7, 365 days a year, and when that doesn’t happen, they seek attention elsewhere.

• They are responding to or re-enacting early-life trauma and abuse. Sometimes women who experienced profound early-life (or adult) trauma, especially sexual trauma, will re-enact that trauma as a way of trying to master or control it.

• They’re not having enough satisfying sex at home. There is a societal misconception that only men enjoy sex. But plenty of women also enjoy sex, and if they’re not getting it at home, or it’s not enjoyable to them, for whatever reason, they may well seek for it elsewhere.

As with male cheaters, women who cheat typically do not realize (in the moment) how profoundly infidelity affects their partner and their relationship.

Cheating hurts betrayed men just as much as it hurts betrayed women. The keeping of secrets, especially sexual and romantic secrets, damages relationship trust and is incredibly painful regardless of gender.

If a couple chooses to address the situation together, couple’s counselling can turn a relationship crisis into a growth opportunity.

Unfortunately, even when experienced therapists are extensively involved with people committed to healing, some couples are unable to ever regain the necessary sense of trust and emotional safety required to make it together.

For these couples, solid, neutral relationship therapy can help the people involved to process a long overdue goodbye.

But cheating doesn’t have to be seen as the end of a relationship; instead, it can be viewed as a test of its maturity and ability to weather the storm.

Headlines

IDAN laments lack of originality in African architecture, interior designs

Eyewitness reporter

The Interior Designers Association of Nigeria (IDAN) has described the Nigerian Architectural and interior design status as lacking cultural and historical essences.

This was made known at a just-concluded event to mark the World Interiors Day (WID) celebration.

According to IDAN, the Nigerian architectural pieces are devoid of colonial references and have little cultural and artistic value attached.

The group lamented that the country is not presenting it past particularly well.

In a round table discussion organised to address salient issues affecting the nation, one of the panelists, Miss Kaine Amachree started noted:
“I have been saying this for a long time. I am not seeing enough of our cultural references in our architecture and in our interiors.

” I am not talking about putting vintage antics on display.

“Most of the Nigerian architecture has no colonial references, it has very little culture except if you go to Kano or to the homes of the Obas or the Ooni’s and the kings, that’s where they keep all the beautiful African-based architectural habitat.”

Amachree cited that African countries such as Mali, and South Africa have retained their histories in their architectural pieces saying:

“You talk about a man like Francis Kere of Mali, you talk about the past.
“We took a lot from the South African Cape.

“We took a lot from our colonial masters. The houses were designed for cross ventilation.

” So you have big windows on this side and on that side. You don’t have that problem anymore.”

The interior design expert described the focus of colonial architecture saying:
“The rooms were made for the purpose.

“The person was there for a purpose for a period of time.

“So in a big colonial house, you had 2 big bedrooms, beautiful wooden floors; you had the cool air coming from cross ventilation, you had high ceilings, the windows were plumbed 90 degrees all over.

“You had wooden beams that are fabulously seamed and beautiful to look at.

“You have staircases that are created out of solid timber that doesn’t split or warp in any way.”

The business mogul lent her experience to the audience saying, “(There is ) no casting back to our influence from the colonials. We are not casting back to the symbolism of how we lived, the materials that we used- mud, grass, straw, ground shells, rocks and they were used for a reason.

“We have lost that part of our history.

“We don’t have an unusual design, we don’t have anything very, very original.

“We tend to copy and the internet has really permitted that.”

Amachree, who has over 25 years of experience in interior design and architectural drawing, went on to admonish the stakeholders
” I don’t want to see another Corinthian design or capital, I want to see something that is more African.”

She lamented the dearth of traditional skills.

“We are losing artisanal skills, we need to bring back the artisans from Edo state, I used to get carvers from there.

“We are losing weavers even those Hausa guys that used to do the hats. We are losing all those skills to importation.”

Miss Amachree revealed that sometimes she talks to young architects and say, “Why are you acting funny, why don’t you introduce this (African design) to your clients?”

The architects would respond, ‘The clients they don’t want this, they want Dubai,’ and according to her ,she would respond:
“Dubai is marble, Disney comics, Batman! They have created their own style.

” We don’t have anything amazing, original and very artistic”

In her closing remarks, the BOT member challenged Nigeria emphatically stressing:
“Why (is it) in America, we have the Design and Decorations (D&D) building, Architecture and Design (AD) building.

In London, they have the Chelsea Harbor Design?

“I want to see the day that we have our own design center that caters to not just interior design, interior African decorations to specialized interior finishes; where we have our own museum, auditorium, where we can have masterclasses and symposium for young students, where there are books, photographs. I will my entire library to that!”

World Interiors Day is one set aside by the International Federation of Interior Architects/Designers to celebrate the industry.

This year’s theme, “Pride of the Past, an incentive for the future”, celebrates innovation and a future-forward look at the profession, while honouring the past and learning from its experiences.

The immediate past President of IFI and Founder of IDAN, Dr. Titi Ogufere said, “I thought that topic was important and for me, I always say if you don’t know your past you don’t know where you are going, you don’t know your future and that’s one of the issues we’ve had in Africa where we have actually been robbed of even knowing history, knowing where we are coming from, knowing who we are, our identity and that is so important.”

Headlines

Evelyn, late TB Joshua’s widow, relieves memorable experience with her late hubby.

Evelyn Joshua and late TB-Joshua

By Owolola Adebola

The auditorium hall of Synagogue Church of All Nations (SCOAN) was full to its capacity on Sunday during the memorial service for late Prophet TB Joshua as his wife, Evelyn Joshua, took to the podium to relieve intimate moments with her late husband.

Amidst thunderous ovation, Evelyn told the congregation that she was no longer mourning but celebrating a man that had shown millions of people how best to relate to each other.

” My husband was a total man.He was a father. He was everything to have in a man.He was the father of my three promising children”.

Speaking further, she said “SCOAN as is it today has its own history.

“Everything to the glory of God. Yes, we had our own fair share of the challenges of life.

“Of course, we were satisfied with the way things were going, thereafter, we started the church.

“We used to sit on the mat, or on a wooden chair and I became the first Sunday School teacher in the church and here we are today. Everything to the glory of God”.

According to her, love was tested and she fought for love and attention, and then appreciated two elderly women whom she said became their counselors.

“I fought for love and attention and today I want to appreciate two virtuous women who became our counselors and I had the two elderly women as friends.

“Mama Victoria Akinola and Mrs. Felicia Olowofekun who has passed on.

She added “I remembered one Sunday, I went to his office and I said you are not to attend to anybody today but me, he brought Mrs. Akinola who guided me with wisdom that kept me from the path of error.

” I want to say thank you for wisdom and motherly love advice and Mrs. Felicia Olowofekun of blessed memory.

“When I look back now, I realized that there are so many important things than those concerns of mine then.”

“I remember one year cross over night, I had cooked my rice, stew and chicken when TB Joshua who walked into the room with a long face, came with papers and threw them on the floor and I summoned the courage to pick the papers.

” On the front page was his face with horns, sleeping with all kinds of animals. I faced him and said they are not speaking to him and I received an embrace.

“For the first time, I saw tears in his eyes, I want to thank God for his wonderful memories,” she said.

Evelyn stated further that, as a man of prayer, every morning he had his morning devotion with two songs he never missed and that as a young lady of about 21 or 22, she began to analyse the meaning of the songs and that prophetically, they all came to pass.

According to her, the second song (Whatever that can hinder me from the salvation of God should be removed), if it is going to be money, fame, children and wife, the holy spirit should remove him from it.

” The passion with which this young man sang that song, I knew, I was in for something.

“But I knew we were in this together until death do us part.”

Pastor Evelyn Joshua, while speaking as the leader of the church, said, “Speaking as the leader of this great commission, SCOAN, a year ago, today my heart was broken because I knew I will be called a widow.

“A year ago,TB Joshua, finished his race and left us, we wept, worried.

” But today we have gathered here not to mourn but to return all glory to God.

“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Here is the morning. Distinguished members and Emmanuel TV partners, I call unto you all to access our journey so far.

” We celebrate a friend to widows, a hard-working man, and father to the fatherless. he has always told us to be prepared and focused so as not to be excluded from heavenly blessings.

” We are all witnesses to all that has been happening since the church reopened, on December 5, 2021, exactly 6 months after TB Joshua passed on to glory.

“The vision has been carried on, the mission has remained the same and the Lord had been faithful in all ways.

” God has been at the centre of it all, despite what the ministry had been through, we are inspired and energised by the strong arms of God and the powerful sustaining spirit of partners and members all over the world.

” The ship of the ministry is being steered by the God of T.B. Joshua as he has always done.

“We thank God for security and peace with which he blessed us with, sealing us with His precious blood. Our services have been growing in spiritual depth, divine impartation, healings, deliverances, and other areas.

“The SCOAN, the mountain is an assured place of meeting God through prayers and our partners have not stopped visiting the serene site I order to encounter God, we give glory to the name of the Lord for the marvelous miracles and deliverance taking place every moment at the mountain.

“We are determined to broaden the scope and relevance of Prophet TB Joshua’s legacy.

“We are equally committed to building a strong, Godly foundation for the Youths whom we call ” The Seed of Tomorrow” through the education department.

” We hope to reach our youths through our partners and members all over the world, we are equally determined to progressively mobilize our women and groups in the ministry towards a special relationship with Christ.

Meanwhile, the epitaphs for service to humanity through “TB JOSHUA Foundation was unveiled during the remembrance celebration to great applause and praises from the mammoth crowd.

The memorial service was of course delivered by dignitaries from across the globe.

“Goodwill messages were actually delivered by – Rev. Bukola Adeleke, representing Babajide Sanwo-Olu, governor of Lagos State,and Ondo state Deputy governor represented the governor, was Hon. Lucky Orimisan Ayedatunwa, Hon. Senator Alice Dube, member of parliament Zimbabwe, Ghana delegates, Hon. Elvis Ankrah Afriyie, and a host of others.

Headlines

Prophet Akinpelu calls for Southeast presidency

Prophet Oludele Akinpelu,

–—condemns criminal silence of politicians on Deborah’s death

Adebayo Obajemu

Popular prophet, Oludele Akinpelu, the presiding pastor of Living God Freedom Church Àlagbado, has urged the political class to play by the rules and allow equity and justice to have a foothold, saying that it was time for the political system to allow for the president of Igbo extraction.

He made this call in a press release at the end of his annual 41- day of prayers and fasting.

The popular prophet noted for prophetic utterances which normally come to pass added that for the sake of equity and fairness, the Southeast of the country should be allowed to produce the next president of the country.

” For the sake of equity and justice, I urge all presidential contenders from all parts of the country in all the parties to withdraw for Southeast candidates who will then sort themselves out in the primary.

” A nation can not survive if it is built on injustice, honestly, my heart is with the people of the southeast on the issue of the 2023 presidential ticket.

” And I know I’m not alone in this. Pa Ayo Adebanjo expressed a similar sentiment. That’s the way to go if this country must survive.”

He also condemned politicians for not speaking out in the case of Deborah Samuel, who was murdered by fellow students at the Shehu Shagari College of Education for allegedly making derogatory comments on Prophet Mohammed.

” We must condemn jungle justice, if the lady had done something wrong let the court of competent jurisdiction decides.

“The two religions – Islam and Christianity have respect for the sanctity of human life, so I can’t understand where the murderers got their inspiration.

“Even the respected Sheikh Gumi said as much that Prophet Mohammed was insulted severally but he didn’t do anything harmful to his traducers.

“We must be guided by respect for law in our action.”

The respected prophet urged the political class to put their house in order and do the needful to take the country out of economic hardship, insecurity, and pervasive poverty that pervade the land, warning that God’s anger is on those bent on sponsoring crises and insecurity in the country.

He declared that “unless politicians repent and seek the face of the Lord, sudden punishment awaits them for bringing the country to a shameful low in the eyes of the international community through their ill-thought-out economic policies, greed, self-aggrandizement and lack of concern for the welfare of citizens who entrusted them with power and representation.”

In his message to Nigerians, he urged the people to repent and seek the path of righteous living, adding that the current insecurity situation in the country calls for concerted prayers on the side of both Christians and Moslems.

It could be recalled that last June in his open-air crusade in Ikare Akoko which attracted over five hundred thousand people, he prophesied that the ravaging Coronavirus pandemic would wane in Nigeria from the first quarters of 2023, he also said that unless fervent prayers were offered, a notable religious leader in Nigeria would die in the first quarters of this year. All the prophecies have since come to pass.

He attributed the worsening insecurity in the country to the activity of forces of darkness who are bent on foisting a sinister agenda on the country, cashing in on poverty and illiteracy to recruit an army of jobless illiterates to carry out their agenda.

He blamed the current administration for not doubling down on countermeasures against bandits, wondering why the administration is reluctant to name individuals fingered as sponsors of banditry, but added that divine punishment awaited those sponsoring insecurity which had led to the loss of lives of innocent citizens of the country.