Life

Infidelity in marriage: Who is to blame?

Calister Nwaneri

Infidelity or cheating has many definitions.

Mariam Webster dictionary defines Infidelity as the act or fact of having a romantic or sexual relationship with someone other than one’s husband, wife, or partner.

Cheating occurs when there is an agreement between two partners to be in a monogamous relationship and one partner violates the agreement and engages in sexual or emotional intimacy with someone outside the relationship.

Oftentimes, people only think of sexual relations as cheating, yet sharing emotional intimate parts of oneself with someone outside the relationship can also be considered as cheating.

However, cheating doesn’t mean the end to a relationship, I believe it can be repaired if both partners are willing to do the work it out.

There is a common misconception that it’s only men who step out on their partners and that women are always faithful.

To that, I say: Who are all these men cheating with exactly? Do married men and men in committed relationships only cheat with single women?

The simple truth is that approximately as many married women cheat as married men.

Research suggests that 10 to 20 percent of men and women in marriages or other committed (monogamous) relationships will actively engage in sexual activity outside of their primary relationship.

And these numbers are likely under-reported, possibly by a wide margin.

In Nigeria especially, cheating amongst women is not often discussed in comparison to cheating in men.

Mr. Obiukwu, a married man living in Lagos, in his own words, has this to say about cheating women.

“The ratio at which married men to women cheat is almost at par. The difference is secrecy, women are more coded and would most times or never flaunt it unlike a man who sees cheating with other women as a quest to conquer or some sort of ego thing”.

Franklin is a bachelor in Lagos who works hard and hardly stays at home except on weekends.

That does not stop his 30-something-year-old married neighbour from making a pass at him.

“My neighbour – a pretty married woman, would always try to initiate conversation with me and when that didn’t work, she got my phone number from our gate man and kept calling me for a hangout with her.

“She even invited me to go with her to an event at her place of work. I always politely rejected her advances. Maybe if I had rudely rebuffed her, she would have kept a distance,” says the Lagos big boy.

The married woman was still on his case at the time of writing this piece.

Femi has a similar story and so does Abdullah, both of whom have been hit on by married women in their 30’s and 50’s respectively.

An independent survey also conducted in Africa by AE affirms the fact that Nigeria with a population of over 160 million, tops the chart for cheating women.

Corruption and a general distrust amongst citizens is largely responsible for this.

None of that, of course, explains why women cheat. Nor does it address the fact that women and men often cheat for very different reasons.

So Why Do Women Cheat?

From surveys carried out over the years, typically, females step out on a committed partner for one or more of the following reasons:

• They feel underappreciated, neglected, or ignored. They feel more like a housekeeper, nanny or financial provider than a wife or girlfriend. So they seek an external situation that validates them for who they are, rather than the services they perform.

• They crave intimacy. Women tend to feel valued and connected to a significant other more through non-sexual, emotional interplay (talking, having fun together, being thoughtful, building a home and social life together, etc.) than sexual activity.

When they’re not feeling that type of connection from their primary partner, they may seek it elsewhere.

• They are overwhelmed by the needs of others. Recent research about women who cheat indicates that many women, despite stating that they deeply love their spouses, their home, their work, and their lives, cheat anyway.

These women often describe feeling so under-supported and overwhelmed by having to be all things to all people at all times that they seek extramarital sex as a form of life-fulfilment.

• They are lonely. Women can experience loneliness in a relationship for any number of reasons. Maybe their spouses work long hours or travel for business on a regular basis, or maybe their spouses are emotionally unavailable.

Whatever the cause, they feel lonely maybe their spouses are emotionally unavailable. Whatever the cause, they feel lonely, and they seek connection through infidelity to fill the void.

• They expect too much from a primary relationship. Some women have unreasonable expectations about what their primary partner and relationship should provide.

They expect their spouses to meet their every need 24/7, 365 days a year, and when that doesn’t happen, they seek attention elsewhere.

• They are responding to or re-enacting early-life trauma and abuse. Sometimes women who experienced profound early-life (or adult) trauma, especially sexual trauma, will re-enact that trauma as a way of trying to master or control it.

• They’re not having enough satisfying sex at home. There is a societal misconception that only men enjoy sex. But plenty of women also enjoy sex, and if they’re not getting it at home, or it’s not enjoyable to them, for whatever reason, they may well seek for it elsewhere.

As with male cheaters, women who cheat typically do not realize (in the moment) how profoundly infidelity affects their partner and their relationship.

Cheating hurts betrayed men just as much as it hurts betrayed women. The keeping of secrets, especially sexual and romantic secrets, damages relationship trust and is incredibly painful regardless of gender.

If a couple chooses to address the situation together, couple’s counselling can turn a relationship crisis into a growth opportunity.

Unfortunately, even when experienced therapists are extensively involved with people committed to healing, some couples are unable to ever regain the necessary sense of trust and emotional safety required to make it together.

For these couples, solid, neutral relationship therapy can help the people involved to process a long overdue goodbye.

But cheating doesn’t have to be seen as the end of a relationship; instead, it can be viewed as a test of its maturity and ability to weather the storm.

Headlines

NAFDAC raises alarm over use of herbal aphrodisiac, alcoholic bitter drinks in Nigeria

Professor Mojisola Christianah Adeyeye , NAFDAC DG

—-says consumption injurious to health

—- cracks down on manufacturers of ‘Kurkura’, ‘Japata’ herbal drinks

The Eyewitness reporter

The Director General of The National Agency for Food and Drug Administration and Control (NAFDAC), Professor Mojisola Christianah Adeyeye has raised alarm on the indiscriminate consumption of aphrodisiac and alcoholic bitter drinks in Nigeria which she said has reached an alarming proportion, especially in the North and South -West.

Professor Adeyeye particularly fingered what she called illicit use of intoxicant popularly called ‘Kurkura’ and a bitter drink called “Japata”

The NAFDAC DG, while speaking at an enlightenment programme in Lagos, said findings from various operations carried out revealed a dangerous trend in the use of such substances laced with high concentrations of tobacco and sometimes cannabis by Nigerians cutting across all genders and age groups particularly Artisans, Drivers, okada riders etc.

According to her, the ‘Kurkura’ herbal preparations discovered in circulations included: Five Minutes Power Herbs Medicine, Haonu Laha Herbal Mixture, Gamzaki Tradomedical Herbal Ventures, Barakallahu Multipurpose Herbal Mixture, Sabon Karfi Herbal Mixture

“Among the above, only Haonu Laha Herbal Mixture is registered, nonetheless laced with unapproved substances that are injurious to the body.

“Among many others. Kurkura is an illicit product illegally consumed for the sole aim of getting intoxicated.

“The substance when abused can be harmful to the body organs such as the brain, kidney and liver.

“The damage to the Kidney and Liver cannot be overemphasized.

” This substance can cause irrational thinking, altered state of mind, which if taken by a driver can lead to Road Traffic Accident with the attendant fatality consequences, or can lead to criminal behaviours such as rape, kidnapping and murder.

Professor Adeyeye also said most of the aphrodisiac drinks were laced with cannabis

“In our recent operation, we impounded the following dangerous herbal aphrodisiac at some Islamic Herbal Medicines shops in Zaria, Kaduna State:

“Gagare Man Power, Minister For Man Power, Almenjou For Lazy Men in Bed, Nisan Zango Karfin Maza,Shagalin Ka Man Power, Dakan Jia Man Power enhancement

“Wuff Male Sexual Performance, Afafata For Sexual Drive etc.

“So far, one of the illegal factories involved in the production of such unauthorized products has been shut down and the owner arrested.

“Worthy of note is the discovery of the usage of Hyergra 200(Sildenafil Citrate tablet), Amafranil tablets (Clomipramine tablet 25mg) and Cannon Extra (Paracetamol 500mg+Caffeine 30mg) in the production room.

“The owner admitted that he dissolves the Hyergra 200, Cannon Extra and the Amafranil in a drum and mixes the content with boiled Kanafari, Garlic, Dundu, Marke, Hankufa, Sweetener and Sodium Benzoate to make up the Man Power preparation.

“Yet the label on the preparation read 100%Herbal

“The effect of such preparation on a person with heart challenges can only be imagined.

“The makers of these products were arrested and later granted bail. An investigation is ongoing.

The NAFDAC boss also said alcoholic bitters product called “Japata” is of grave concern to the agency

“An alcoholic bitters product that is of grave concern is Japata Alcoholic bitters which was duly registered by NAFDAC but laced with marijuana or cannabis compared to the registered product that had only ethanol.

“Through intelligence, NAFDAC was able to shut down the company. This product when tested in the laboratory caused the death of the mice within five minutes.

“The alcoholic content was doubled compared with the registered product. The retained samples, kept at the point of registration, did not cause any injury to the animals.

“The product laced with cannabis was said to cause an altered state of mind and psychological problems to the user.

“The owner of the company is on the run and the matter has been shared with NDLEA.

“We shall continue with the raid on other illegal production outlets and the perpetrators will be dealt with in line with the extant laws and regulations.

“This drives home the fact that eradication of fake and counterfeit drugs, adulterated and unwholesome processed foods, and other regulated products is a holistic battle that should involve every well-meaning Nigerian.

“I want to assure Nigerians that NAFDAC is doing everything to ensure that only safe medicine and wholesome food of the right quality are sold to our citizenry”

Headlines

”Shame-free tribe” conducts survey on gender-based violence.

Miss Olojo, Coordinator, The Shame-Free Tribe

A non-governmental organization, The Shame-Free Tribe, is conducting a survey on all gender-based crimes in Nigeria such as sexual harassment, sexual assault and rape.

According to the Coordinator of the organization, Miss Oluwatoyin Anuoluwapo Olojo, the survey is meant to help the group determine the level of the social menace in the country and help the government in its current efforts to eradicate it or bring it to the barest minimum.

”We work directly with communities to design and implement projects that are focused on meeting their needs in terms of curbing prevailing social vices. Through this, we build an inclusive network of tribe members dedicated to helping other people recover”, declared Miss Olojo.

” The Shame-free Tribe is working on this project that requires your input.

”We’ll need a few minutes of your precious time to fill an anonymous survey on sexual-based violence, especially among Nigerians.

”Your response will help us draw a hypothesis that can guide us in curbing this social menace.

Here’s the survey link: bit.ly/Maskoff1. Kindly fill it out and share it with your esteemed network.

”Thank you for your time and cooperation!

”To know more about The Shame-free Tribe, log on to bit.ly/theshame-freetribe.

Headlines

News Alert! Baba Ijesha bags 16 years jail term

Baba Ijesha

— as court convicts him of sexual assault on minor

Eyewitness reporter

Baring an appellate decision that could overturn the verdict, Olanrewaju Omiyinka, a popular Nollywood actor commonly called Baba Ijesha, is to spend 16 years in jail.

Justice Oluwatoyin Taiwo of the Ikeja Domestic Violence and Sexual Offences Court on Thursday found the Yoruba actor guilty of sexual assault on a minor.

Baba Ijesha has been standing trial on a six-count charge of child defilement that include indecent treatment of a child, sexual assault, attempted sexual assault by penetration and sexual assault by penetration.The offences contravene Section 135, 137, 261, 202, 262 and 263 of the Lagos State Criminal Law 2015, which stipulates life imprisonment for offenders.

The actor denied the allegations.

A CCTV video recording detailing his relationship with the victim said to be a minor was played in court.

Delivering the judgement, Justice Taiwo said that the prosecution failed to prove beyond reasonable doubt that the defendant is guilty of all the charges against him.

However, she found the defendant guilty of two of the six counts against him and consequently sentenced him to 16 years imprisonment.

Details later…