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Infidelity in marriage: Who is to blame?

Calister Nwaneri
Infidelity or cheating has many definitions.
 Mariam Webster dictionary defines Infidelity as the act or fact of having a romantic or sexual relationship with someone other than one’s husband, wife, or partner.
Cheating occurs when there is an agreement between two partners to be in a monogamous relationship and one partner violates the agreement and engages in sexual or emotional intimacy with someone outside the relationship.
Oftentimes,  people only think of sexual relations as cheating, yet sharing emotional intimate parts of oneself with someone outside the relationship can also be considered as cheating.
However, cheating doesn’t mean the end to a relationship, I believe it can be repaired if both partners are willing to do the work it out.
There is a common misconception that it’s only men who step out on their partners and that women are always faithful.
To that, I say: Who are all these men cheating with exactly? Do married men and men in committed relationships only cheat with single women?
The simple truth is that approximately as many married  women cheat as married men.
Research suggests that 10 to 20 percent of men and women in marriages or other committed (monogamous) relationships will actively engage in sexual activity outside of their primary relationship.
And these numbers are likely under-reported, possibly by a wide margin.
In Nigeria especially, cheating amongst women is not often discussed in comparison to cheating in men.
 Mr. Obiukwu, a married man living in Lagos, in his own words, has this to say about cheating women.
“The ratio at which married men to women cheat is almost at par. The difference is secrecy, women are more coded and would most times or never flaunt it unlike a man who sees cheating with other women as a quest to conquer or some sort of ego thing”.
Franklin is a bachelor in Lagos who works hard and hardly stays at home except on weekends.
 That does not stop his 30-something-year-old married neighbour from  making a pass at him.
“My neighbour – a pretty married woman,  would always try to initiate conversation with me and when that didn’t work, she got my phone number from our gate man and kept calling me for a hangout with her.
“She even invited me to go with her to an event at her place of work. I always politely rejected her advances. Maybe if I had rudely rebuffed her, she would have kept a distance,” says the Lagos big boy.
The married woman was still on his case at the time of writing this piece.
Femi has a similar story and so does Abdullah, both of whom have been hit on by married women in their 30’s and 50’s respectively.
An independent survey also conducted in Africa by AE affirms the fact that Nigeria with a population of over 160 million, tops the chart for cheating women.
Corruption and a general distrust amongst citizens is largely responsible for this.
None of that, of course, explains why women cheat. Nor does it address the fact that women and men often cheat for very different reasons.
So Why Do Women Cheat?
From surveys carried out over the years, typically, females step out on a committed partner for one or more of the following reasons:
• They feel underappreciated, neglected, or ignored. They feel more like a housekeeper, nanny or financial provider than a wife or girlfriend. So they seek an external situation that validates them for who they are, rather than the services they perform.
• They crave intimacy. Women tend to feel valued and connected to a significant other more through non-sexual, emotional interplay (talking, having fun together, being thoughtful, building a home and social life together, etc.) than sexual activity.
When they’re not feeling that type of connection from their primary partner, they may seek it elsewhere.
• They are overwhelmed by the needs of others. Recent research about women who cheat indicates that many women, despite stating that they deeply love their spouses, their home, their work, and their lives, cheat anyway.
These women often describe feeling so under-supported and overwhelmed by having to be all things to all people at all times that they seek extramarital sex as a form of life-fulfilment.
• They are lonely. Women can experience loneliness in a relationship for any number of reasons. Maybe their spouses work long hours or travel for business on a regular basis, or maybe their spouses are emotionally unavailable.
Whatever the cause, they feel lonely maybe their spouses  are emotionally unavailable. Whatever the cause, they feel lonely, and they seek connection through infidelity to fill the void.
• They expect too much from a primary relationship. Some women have unreasonable expectations about what their primary partner and relationship should provide.
They expect their spouses to meet their every need 24/7, 365 days a year, and when that doesn’t happen, they seek attention elsewhere.
• They are responding to or re-enacting early-life trauma and abuse. Sometimes women who experienced profound early-life (or adult) trauma, especially sexual trauma, will re-enact that trauma as a way of trying to master or control it.
• They’re not having enough satisfying sex at home. There is a societal misconception that only men enjoy sex. But plenty of women also enjoy sex, and if they’re not getting it at home, or it’s not enjoyable to them, for whatever reason, they may well seek for it elsewhere.
As with male cheaters, women who cheat typically do not realize (in the moment) how profoundly infidelity affects their partner and their relationship.
Cheating hurts betrayed men just as much as it hurts betrayed women. The keeping of secrets, especially sexual and romantic secrets, damages relationship trust and is incredibly painful regardless of gender.
If a couple chooses to address the situation together, couple’s counselling can turn a relationship crisis into a growth opportunity.
Unfortunately, even when experienced therapists are extensively involved with people committed to healing, some couples are unable to ever regain the necessary sense of trust and emotional safety required to make it together.
For these couples, solid, neutral relationship therapy can help the people involved to process a long overdue goodbye.
 But cheating doesn’t have to be seen as the end of a relationship; instead, it can be viewed as a test of its maturity and ability to weather the storm.
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Headlines

Writing “Beauty for Ashes” is strictly by instruction of Holy Spirit—-Oluwatoyin Olojo

Oluwatoyin Anuoluwapo Olojo

—an interview with Oluwatoyin Olojo, author of ”Beauty for Ashes”

   by PAROUSIA Magazine

Beauty For Ashes is an outstanding book published by Parousia in 2021. We had an interesting conversation with Oluwatoyin A Olojo about her debut book. This interview gave insight into her and her book.

Why did you decide to write Beauty for Ashes? Is there something specifically that spurred you to write this book?

Writing Beauty for Ashes was strictly by the instruction of the Holy Spirit. First, I received the title, then the launch date which was just six months away, then the chapter by chapter title as well as their subtitles… It was indeed divinely orchestrated.

Have you always had it in mind that you’d write a book, be an author?

I have always loved to write.  I have always had a private journal, I  even had a slum book in back secondary school and I always found a way to express my thoughts in writing. However, I never intended to be an author; a poet maybe, but not an author.

Your book is a book that holds a deep message. Tell us about the message you are trying to pass across with “Beauty For Ashes.”

You know, when the Holy Spirit first told me about Beauty for Ashes, He said it was going to be an expression of my life’s story. I kept asking what story my life was telling and He said, everyone, has a story to tell. During that period, I was going through a lot of redefining moments in my life, which involved getting hurt and recovering. I also realised that I’ve always had deep compassion for young ladies who somehow ended up becoming slaves to sex either intentionally or not.

The main focus of Beauty for Ashes is salvation and healing. This is why the book comes with a workbook to help readers answer salient questions about themselves and a devotional to help guide them through.

After this book, do you still have it in mind to publish a new book? And when should we be expecting it?

Yes yes yes! The deep treatment each chapter in Beauty for Ashes gives, started with me. Beauty for Ashes was an opening to my calling as a Scribe according to Matthew 13:52. It’s a deep calling as several other book titles have been received and are awaiting the divine instruction to “GO!”.

I’m sure some of our aspiring authors will love to know this. What was your greatest motivation in publishing this book, what was the process like?

Hmmm, considering the genre I’m called to write which is spiritual and can be sometimes satirical, I would say it takes having a burden to give a big release. The depth of your burden will fuel your sense of urgency and give you all the push or motivation you need. There were times I broke down in tears while writing Beauty for Ashes,  especially in Cactus and Sunflower, It was indeed a process! The whole message started with me! Letting out all that information about myself left me with zero shame and that in turn birthed “The Shame-free Tribe”. My biggest motivation was my burden to see freedom, healing, and salvation.

Apart from the publication by the publisher, what step do you take to make sure your book gets out there? Tell us about the book launch.

Honestly, publicising the book has not been quite easy but I have made sure to have an author’s website in my name where articles relating to the book and other interests are often posted. The homepage carries the book image and everyone who visits the site gets to see the book first.

  • “The depth of your burden will fuel your sense of urgency and give you all the push or motivation you need. There were times I broke down in tears while writing Beauty for Ashes,  especially in Cactus and Sunflower, It was indeed a process!”

The book launch was more of a small, private event. I believe in starting small and as such was glad to have a controllable crowd of about 35 persons in attendance. It was tagged “the release of a book, of pain and of sounds of worship”. All we did, majorly, was worship God. We also watched video clips of people’s stories of sexual abuse and how they overcame the pain. Some guests also shared their stories of how they were raped, nearly raped, and victimised. It was indeed a release of pain.

Tell us about your experience with your Publisher, Parousia Reads.

Parousia Reads has one endearing factor which is accuracy. The team knows how well to get in your head and replicate the exact same ideas you have. When I saw my book cover design, I began to ask if there was someone else present when the Spirit of the Lord showed me the image. They were also considerate of the first-time author that I was and made every step less burdensome. Thank you Parousia Reads! Thank you Samuel Tola Ijalusi!

So far, how has the experience been? And what do you intend to do after now?

The experience has been transforming! Beauty for Ashes has called forth other assignments and I’m super grateful to God for trusting me with this vision. After now, asides from sending thousands of sponsored copies to teenagers and commercial sex workers across Nations, I also hope to flesh up the skeletal framework of The Shame-free Tribe.

I still write copies, proposals, and contents for businesses, I still write poems, articles, and blog posts, and I still sell insurance and give investment advice.  All these and more I’ll continue to do even while I focus on my education. Ultimately, I intend to love on God!

You can purchase this book on these platforms

AMAZON
OKADABOOKS
ADLIBRIS
DIDERICH

BEAUTY FOR ASHES by Oluwatoyin A. Olojo

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Customs

MBA Musa: a silent working machine at Tin Can Customs

By Eyewitness Reporter

 

His mien gives him away as a harmless, non-assuming introvert.

But beneath his calm look lies a tough, determined and uncompromising work attitude that has distinguished the Tin Can command of the Nigeria Customs service as one of the biggest revenue baskets of the service.

Musa Baba Abdulahi(MBA), the  Customs Area Comptroller of the Tin Can command, bestrides the command like a gentle giant.

He presides over the command reputed as the second cash cow for the Nigeria Customs Service with unassuming dexterity and clinical efficiency.

Musa is not given to publicity. He hardly grants press interviews.

He loathes calling the press to flaunt his achievements at the command.

He believes that aspect is better handled by his equally versatile  Public Relations Officer,  Uche Ejesieme, who has equally mastered and emulated the work ethics of his boss.

While he leaves the talking to his spokesman, Musa marshals his officers to do the work he was mandated: revenue collection, trade facilitation, discouragement of anti- illicit practices such as importation of contraband and seamless Customs operations.

He believes his works and achievements are enough to publicise him.

So, while his colleagues enjoy generous publicity, Musa daily buries his head in his works, churning out impressive results which have consistently screamed the name of the command to the hearing of his superior officers at Abuja.

His consistent impressive performance at the command has however adequately compensated for his almost anonymity at the unit.

No wonder his no-nonsense boss, Col. Hammed Ali, the Comptroller-General of Customs, seems to have ” forgotten” to redeploy him from the command as the case of other area Comptrollers whom he changes at will.Against the norm of high mortality of the tenures of Area Comptrollers at the Commands, Musa has spent three years two months so far as the helmsman of the Tin Can Command.

And the CGC seems not in a hurry to look in his direction for a change yet except when it is time for his elevation to the next rank.

Whoever knows the practice of the CGC who shuffles his field commanders at the drop of his hat, then the ‘ long’ and running tenure of Musa is a feat “unheard of” under the administration of Col. Ali.

While all other commands, especially the ‘grade A’ commands,  have experienced multiple turnovers of the CACs in the past years, the Tin Can Command has enjoyed relative stability in terms of changes in helmsmen since February 2018 when Musa berthed at the Tin Can Command.

But it would be fallacious to assume that the eagle- eye, highly mobile CGC overlooked or  ‘forgot’ to include Musa in the litany of redeployments that have come to characterise his administration, but it seems Musa is “playing the match according to the match plan” of his coach.

In football, you don’t change a winning team.

At his resumption of office as the CGC in September 2015, Hameed Ali pointedly told his senior officers in Abuja about his unambiguous mission to the Customs.

“I have come to carry out the mandate of Mr. President to reform Customs, to restructure Customs, and to increase the revenue generation.

“I don’t think that is ambiguous. I don’t think that is cumbersome. It is precise and I believe that is what all of you are here to do” the CGC had then said six years ago.

So Musa has stayed this long because he knew and mastered the rules of engagement.

Statistics show why Musa has wormed his way into the heart of his boss, a feat that is almost inconceivable given the deadpan expression the CGC always wears which gives him away as someone who doesn’t indulge in needless emotions.

When he was redeployed from the office of the CGC to Tin Can Command on February 1st, 2018, Musa had a clear understanding of his vision and mission to the command.

“Part of my key mandates includes trade facilitation, driving of seamless ease of doing business, provision of coordinating roles in port operations, and strict maintenance of national security at the ports.

“The Command will continue to maintain lead in revenue generation which remains a core function of the Customs,” he said at his maiden press conference in 2018.

This has therefore been the driving force of MBA since he berthed at the Tin Can command where he has consolidated on revenue generation, trade facilitation, capacity building, and cordial working relationship with other stakeholders through constant engagement that has resulted in seamless operations.
 
In 2018 when he took over, he met N62 billion in the revenue coffers bequeathed to him by his predecessor out of the N354 billion target for that year.
 
But he went on to surpass the revenue projection.
 
In 2019, he brushed aside the N342 billion revenue target with more than N4 billion in excess when the command generated N346.508 billion.
 
Expectedly, the command was greatly challenged in its 2020 revenue drive due to the ravaging Covid-19 pandemic which affected importations.
 
Ironically, that was the year the command, relying on its track records of revenue successes, confidently raised the N504 billion target given to it by the Customs headquarters to N540 billion, which was about 70 percent higher than the previous year’s.
The command started on a brighter revenue note in 2021 despite the lingering effects of the Covid-19 pandemic when it raked in N112.7 billion within the first three months of the year, a figure that was N21.1 billion higher than the N91.6 billion realised within the same period in 2020.

“The comparative analysis of quarter one revenue collection from 2018 to 2021 are as follows: in 2018, N76,789,721,107.42; in 2019, N78,857,106,168.27; and in 2020, N91,635,998,490.73,” the customs boss said

“This improvement is despite the twin threat to lives and livelihood posed by the COVID-19 pandemic. The command has inspired their officers to continue to work hard while observing all the safety measures to achieve the best of performance.

“We kept our lines of communication open and concerted effort was made to ensure that the supply chain is not disrupted,” Musa said of the geometric increase in revenue performance since he took over.

The success of Musa lies in his heavy deployment of technology to track revenue, plug revenue leakages, and reduce excessive physical contacts between officers and the trading public which he believes will minimise corruption.

He also put much emphasis on building human capacity as he believes well-trained and motivated officers will enhance efficient service delivery.

As a result, officers are being trained on a regular basis on some of the core functions of the customs in the areas of classification, risk management, and data management, the areas in which Musa himself is well versed as a Mining Engineer who joined the service as a Cadet Officer in 1990,  and had undergone several trainings in Valuation and Classification, which are the core duties of the Nigerian Customs Service.

Trade facilitation holds as much passion for Musa as revenue generation.

This was why at his resumption of duties in 2018, he reinvigorated the Dispute Resolution Committee (DRC) which he personally heads, and made his PRO the deputy to sit daily and resolve all issues arising from valuation within six hours.

This was unlike the previous arrangement when the committee sat two times a week.

He also deployed and beefed up the Time Release study tool to determine the actual time required for the release and clearance of goods right from the time the cargo arrives to the physical release from Customs’ control.

Time Release study was a strategic tool that was capable of identifying bottlenecks in the trade value chain and creating an enabling environment for effective and efficient customs operations.

Musa made judicious use of all these tools and methods which create a conducive, customers- friendly environment that facilitate the quick clearance of goods and which in turn boosts his revenue drive.

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Headlines

YouTube suspends TB Joshua’s Emmanuel TV for ‘hate speech’ —-viewers kick

Owolola Adebola
The popular Emmanuel TV, the YouTube channel belonging to Pastor TB Joshua of The Synagogue, Church Of All Nations (SCOAN) in Lagos, Nigeria, has been suspended for allegedly propagating ‘hate speech.
The channel, which had over 1,800,000 subscribers and 600,000,000 views before the suspension, was among the largest in Nigeria and reportedly the most-watched Christian ministry ever on the video-sharing platform.
In the announcement of the suspension on their official Facebook Page, the ministry stated: “Emmanuel TV’s mission is to share the love of God with everyone – irrespective of race or religion – and we strongly oppose all forms of hate speech!”
It added that the Christian network enjoyed “a long and fruitful relationship with YouTube” and believed “this decision was made in haste”.
The announcement led to a public outcry from Joshua’s followers who vented their frustrations on social media about the suspension.
”I have followed SCOAN and Emmanuel TV for 18 years and not once have I encountered any form of hate speech,” Suzanne Mare wrote to YouTube’s official Facebook Page. “I find your censorship extremely disturbing!”
“Dear YouTube,” wrote Mr. Mutepfe on Twitter. “Emmanuel TV has done nothing but spread love… Not a single day has the channel promoted hate or prejudice towards any race, gender, colour or creed.”
“I had depression and attempted suicide twice but after watching Emmanuel TV and realising how much God loves me, my life was saved,” Rita Machipanda emotionally wrote on Facebook, pleading with YouTube to restore the channel.
“I have nothing again to watch on YouTube,” lamented Mr. Gumwesh, adding that the American video-sharing platform would lose a significant number of subscribers if the channel was not reinstated.
Another user, Ione Malone, announced on Twitter he had started an online petition to see the channel’s restoration.
YouTube had earlier awarded Emmanuel TV a ‘Gold Creator Award’ for surpassing 1,000,000 subscribers, an achievement that attracted commendation from the company’s CEO, Susan Wojcicki.
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